parenthood

Preparing Lex for the new baby, their first meeting, and how it’s going!

Family, Motherhood, Pregnancy, Uncategorized

Welcoming a new baby to the family is super exciting but we also need to make sure the older sibling is properly prepped! It is a big adjustment for the older child, they are wondering who this new person is and whether they are still loved like they were before. Each child will react differently and it’s important for parents to be there for them during this big transition. Lex has a strong personality and is extremely attached to me, so we wanted to make sure we did everything we could to make the adjustment as smooth as possible. We expected Lex to be quite jealous of the baby because he was still nursing and he also gets quite territorial with me when Jerry hugs or touches me. However, we also noticed that Lex loves babies and is super gentle and loving to smaller babies in the playground! We did a number of things to prepare Lex for the baby before his arrival and also have some tips for what to do after the baby arrives. We hope this will be helpful if you are going to welcome a lovely little sibling soon!

Here are some things that we did to prepare Lex for his new baby brother:

  • Read books about welcoming a new baby: We ordered a number of super cute books about welcoming a new baby, mom being pregnant. and becoming a big brother. There are lots online and you can find ones that match with your situation (becoming a big sister or brother etc). Some of are favorite include “My new baby” by Rachel Fuller, “I am a big brother” by Caroline Church, “There’s a house inside my mummy” by Giles Andreae, and we also made a personalized one from Wonderbly.
  • Talk about the baby: Lex will be 2 when the baby arrives so he was able to understand quite a bit. We spoke about how the baby was inside my belly and how a baby brother would join us soon. We spoke about baby brother often and Lex was really excited to meet him!
  • Got a present from the baby for Lex: We picked a gift that Lex would love (little wooden train) and told him that it was from his baby brother. Lex was super excited and happy that he was receiving a gift from the baby and this definitely helped develop positive feelings towards the baby. Some websites also suggest having the older sibling pick a gift for the new baby but we felt like Lex would just want to keep it for himself, so we didn’t do that bit.
  • Took Lex to the doctor’s appointment: we brought Lex a few times to the ultrasound appointment! He was very curious to meet the doctor and to see baby brother with the “special camera”. It was such a special experience and we loved that he was part of the process also.

All these actions seemed to have a positive effect on Lex and he always spoke about baby brother happily. He was excited to meet him and even told him “to come out soon” during the final few weeks. It was so sweet and I felt pretty confident in our preparations for their meeting.

One of my most anticipated moments (apart from meeting Bas), was to see my two boys meet for the first time. I read that you should have the newborn in a neutral position when the older child comes for the first time. This way the older child does not feel threatened and you are also supposed to let them discover the baby on their own. I placed Bas on his little bassinet next to the bed before Lex arrived and made sure I wasn’t nursing or holding Bas. Lex came in and was really excited to see me. We did not tell him about the baby but he gasped when he realized the baby was there. He was so thrilled to see Bas and it completely melted my heart! It was everything I had hoped for and more. Lex was the sweetest most gentle big brother and you could see how much he adored Bas. It is true when they say that your heart just grows in size when you have another child. My heart could burst with love as Lex cradled Bas in his arms and gave him small kisses. I was so proud of my big boy for being such a sweet big brother.

After we brought Bas home, Lex continues to be the sweet and caring big brother. It really is amazing to see how much they adore each other. Bas is always excited to see Lex and smiles. Of course, Lex has his moments and sometimes will be mad at Bas. If Lex is in a bad mood and Bas needs to nurse (I am tandem nursing both), sometimes Lex will smack Bas on the head or try to hurt him in some way. However, this rarely occurs and Lex is mostly excited to help and dote on Bas. Some things that we found helpful were:

  • Don’t blame things on the baby: when you can’t do something with the toddler such as reading or playing because you are doing something for the baby, don’t say “I cant do ____ because I am ____ with the baby”. This may cause the toddler to resent the baby. Make up some other excuse not related to the baby. We did this in the beginning but after a few months I felt like Bas and Lex’s relationship was secure enough and Lex also had to understand that he needed to be patient, so I stopped doing this. I would tell Lex that Bas is doing this right now and he needs to wait etc.
  • Let the toddler feel helpful: We always ask Lex to help with Bas, this makes him feel appreciated and included. We might ask him to bring a diaper or to sing for Bas when he is crying.
  • Talk about how much the baby loves the toddler: I genuinely think that Bas is delighted to see Lex, but I make it into a whole story and tell Lex “Bas loves you so much!” or “Bas loves learning from you, you can teach him so many things!” etc. and Lex is happy to hear it also.
  • Spend extra quality time with the older child: we were super lucky that the transition period went so smoothly. Lex always asks for Bas to join in whatever outing we go to. Sometimes we say “should we bring Bas?” and Lex always says yes! However, I think it’s also important for Lex and I to spend some quality time so now we do date lunch once a week. I say it’s our special time to reconnect and Lex always looks forward to it.

The transition period has been so smooth and it always warms my heart to see how much Bas and Lex love each other. I hope that they will be best buddies for life and I can’t wait to see how their relationship develops.

Taking care of our marriage as new parents

Family, Motherhood, Uncategorized

Being a new parent is hard work! There is SO much to learn and you feel like you are pulled in all directions. The baby becomes the #1 priority and often times we forget to take care of ourselves and the marriage. Let’s be real, any second you get you want to either sleep in or just lay around, but it is so important to make the extra effort to connect with your partner and spend some quality time. This applies for parents at any stage of parenthood, not just new parents. As we know, babies go through all sorts of development leaps and sleep regressions and they always keep us on our toes! It’s important to make sure you take extra time and effort to ensure your marriage does not suffer and you don’t want to chew up your partner.

Jerry and I have a wonderful relationship and I adore him to bits, but I would be lying if I said that the first few months were totally smooth and easy! Did I love seeing my husband become a father and my heart melted when I saw him with Lex? 100% yes. Did I want to sometimes strangle him? Also yes. We definitely noticed that we were short with each other more often and acting grumpy. It is completely understandable… you are figuring out newborn care (and continue to figure out child care month after month, it never stops) and you are functioning with very little sleep. For us mamas, we are also experiencing some raging hormones and recovering from childbirth (and maybe breastfeeding too!). It is normal to be more grumpy and irritable. However, it is so important to recognize that this is a sensitive and difficult period and to proactively do things to make sure you are looking out for your partner and your marriage. Your baby is incredibly important, but a strong partnership in your marriage is also essential and is the foundation of the family. Don’t ever forget that!

Here are some tips that I found very helpful:

  • Checking in often: it may just be a small text or a quick word, but it makes a huge difference because your partner will feel like you care and you will also be more in tuned to how each other is doing (and what to do to fix/improve things). Simple questions like “how are you feeling today?” or “how is the day going” are enough!
  • Open communication: the worst thing is to bottle up your feelings and let it build up. Even if it’s your husband or wife, they might know you well but they can’t read your mind ALL the time. Jerry and I make sure to speak up once something rubs us the wrong way or if we notice that we are feeling extra irritable. We are completely honest with each other and we always talk things out. Even if it feels petty, it never hurts to let them know. Sometimes I will recognize that I am being unreasonable but would still like him to know that his action is bothering me, for example: “I know I am being extra sensitive and it is probably just me, but you are really rubbing me the wrong way today etc.”
  • Recognizing each other’s efforts + saying thank you: when you are feeling tired and discouraged, it always feels nice to hear that someone is acknowledging your efforts and that you’re doing a good job. Make that extra effort to thank or praise your spouse, it will make them feel good!
  • Find time for each other: it does not have to be an entire outing or a grand experience, but just finding some small pockets of time throughout the day to show affection and connection. Jerry and I make sure we have some time together when Lex is napping. Sometimes it is just a short cuddle on the couch or a 3 second hug in the kitchen, it is an instant mood lifter.
  • Affection and intimacy: intimacy could be the last thing on your mind post baby but even a long hug or a nice kiss could make a world of difference. Sometimes we are so rushed and stressed, you forget to show your partner some love.
  • Look back on you as a couple before kids: Jerry recently spent some time looking at old photo books and videos of our trips and we both loved reminiscing on all the fun we had. We absolutely adore our time as a family now with Lex but it is really lovely to look back on our more carefree days when we traveled a lot and did a lot of races together! Sometimes it can feel like you’e overwhelmed by parenthood and you aren’t the same person as before, so it is refreshing to remind yourself of who you and your spouse were before kids (and you can definitely apply those things to your family life too! Life does not end after kids).
  • Date nights: this can be tough with busy work schedules and child care but even just once a month or every other week is a great start. Sometimes you feel like its too much effort but I can promise you you will never regret a date night. Jerry and I try to do a date night every other week and take turns organizing. We always have an amazing time and love the solo time to reconnect and enjoy each other’s company.

I hope that these ideas will be helpful and make the parenting experience even more enjoyable. It can be tough, but you and your partner are a team and will come out stronger than before!