“The days are long but the years are short”

This quote could not be more true as I look back on this amazing year. It is hard to believe that it has been 365 days since Lex came into the world. I still remember going to the hospital because my water broke early and the grueling 36 hours before finally having to do an emergency c section. It feels just like yesterday when we left the comfort (and 24 hour support of the midwives) of the hospital and brought Lex home, we were filled with excitement and nerves… it was the beginning of our new life as a family. Looking back at photos, it is hard to imagine my bubbly and energetic boy as this tiny and fragile little bean. The most bittersweet thing of being a mother is trying to desperately freeze and memorize every little moment, yet the days seem to fly by and sometimes you can’t even remember what happened the day before. I am so excited to see Lex grow and to see his personality shine through, yet my heart aches when I notice how clothes that were loose just a week before, are now starting to be too tight. The baby face is starting to have glimmers of a little boy, and soon the babbling will turn into words.

Some days are so tough – with a total lack of sleep and a fussy and grumpy baby that seem impossible to appease, yet motherhood is easily one of the most fulfilling and incredible experiences I have ever been through. The learning curve is brutal – I was also not prepared for all the major changes and how parenthood is such a non-linear experience. Once we felt like we had gotten something, things would change again! It wasn’t always easy for us, there were days where we felt grumpy and exhausted. However, through it all, we have learnt so much together, leaned on each other, and gotten out stronger and more united than ever. I look back on this year and am so proud of everything we have learnt and accomplished together. Witnessing Jerry’s journey as a father has also been incredibly heartwarming. I knew he would be the most incredible dad and he met and exceeded all my expectations.

Before becoming a parent, I had no idea about all the milestones and other incredible things that babies learn in their first year of life. It has been so eyeopening to see Lex develop and explore the world around him. Watching him sleep for most of the day and making the tiniest little sounds, to rolling, crawling, and breaking into the most adorable smile and giggles that melt my entire heart. I was not expecting how much I would enjoy watching him develop and figure things out. It is so fascinating to me to see how he starts to understand and mimic certain actions. He would interact with toys and with us in a totally different way and it is so satisfying to see. I have had so many excited and proud parent moments! Watching him is also a daily reminder for us adults to appreciate and enjoy little things that we may have forgotten about, the wonder and excitement of a child is truly inspiring and I hope to stop and admire things around me more.

I was also not prepared for the overwhelming emotions that came with motherhood. I always knew that I wanted to be a mother and that I would love my family, but to experience this love and connection in real life was a different story. I often hear of mother’s talking about how it is a love you have never experienced before, and I jokingly felt like the husband now became chopped liver, but I know understood what they meant. Of course I love my husband to bits, but the tender love you feel for your child is something that cannot be explained. There are times when I look down at Lex while he’s nursing or after he has just fallen asleep, his chest rising gently and his soft cheek against me, and it feels like my heart will explode. I look at Lex and I think of all the things I want to do in this world to help him flourish and grow. I wonder at the end of each day whether I loved him enough and whether he knows how much he is loved.

I definitely think motherhood made me a better person. It makes me think of how I want to be as a role model to Lex and what values I want to pass down to him. It has made me a more thoughtful and empathetic person. Motherhood also made me realize how strong I was and how much I was willing to sacrifice and do for Lex. I have always been a confident person who believed in my abilities, but I was quite apprehensive about the lack of sleep. I had expected the bad sleep to last for around 3 months (oh so naive) but it has been over 1 year since I slept uninterrupted for more than 6 hours and I am still trucking along. Parenting with Jerry also made us learn more about each other and made our bond stronger. It was not always easy, especially in the beginning when we had very little help, but it made us figure out how to work through difficult times and support each other.

Even though it has been a whole year already, sometimes it still feels a bit unreal that I am a mother. I look at Lex and I think about how I grew and nurtured him in my body for 9 months, how he was brought into the world, and how he is now this energetic little boy. Sometimes Jerry and I will look at Lex and say “we made him!”. It is such an honor that I am tasked with raising and guiding this little human. What a wonderful thing it is, to meet your soulmate and have the opportunity to create another living being and create a family. Being a mother is one of the greatest blessings of my life. It has far surpassed anything I could have ever imagined and I feel lucky everyday to be able to experience this crazy rollercoaster ride.